If you play in bars long enough, eventually you’re going to come across that one guy.  The guy that requests Freebird.  He might boo to your witty between song banter or interrupt the joke you’re telling from stage.  He might yell something along the lines of “You suck.”

 

 Most likely he (or she, there’s women hecklers, too) is drunk or well on the way to it, and engaging someone like this can be risky since they could get surly.

 

But lucky for you, you got a couple of things in your corner.   The first of which is a bouncer.  Secondly, a crowd that doesn’t like hecklers any more than you do.

 

And, you have one additional thing he/she doesn’t have: a microphone.

 

Here’s a top 10 list of some comebacks I have heard over the years.  Hell, I might have even used one or three of them on occasion.  Please use with discression.

 

10.  Stay Classy (name of city)

 

9.  Please don’t strain our already meaningless relationship

 

8.  What? No tractor pull tonight?

 

7.  I was told that if I came here tonight that I would be heckled by idiots

 

6.  Nobody likes you.  Surely you remember that from school.

 

Heckler 082713

 

5.  Yeah, I remember my first beer.

 

4.  Oh, that reminds me of something I’m supposed to say:  Kids, don’t do crack.

 

3.  Will somebody get a shovel and cover that up.

 

2.  Hey, weren’t you here last night?  I never forget a shirt.

 

1.  Hey, do I stand at the edge of the bed and bother you when you’re trying work?

 

 

Special Bonus.

 

Here’s one of my favorite heckles to use when you want to be the jerk:

 

“Play something we know…no, wait…play something you know!”

 

And, if you’re looking to kill some time, here’s some comedians giving hecklers some what for (NSFW due to some obscenities.)…click here.

 

– Jake Kelly

 

 

Originally posted 2013-08-27 19:47:00.