Author: jakekelly

(continued from here)   9. Bring Me Something to Drink.   Maybe this is not “officially” in your job description (hence the “I’m not your effin’ waitress” comment I often hear), and I get it…but it’s just a nice thing to do.   If I were ever to ask you over to the bus, I’m fairly sure my road manager or someone would offer you a drink.   Here are a couple of bullet points to help you out with subject:   When I say drink, I mean a shot of Jack Daniels.   Unless I specify water, which means room temperature Fiji Water.   Unless I want cold water…so, you’ll have to figure that out.   Or, it might mean a beer.     If this is a club gig, you may need to run to the bar to get that.  Go ahead and buy it, I’ll get you on the flip-flop.   Next Up: #8 Round Up Some Hot Girls for the Post Show Party.  ...

(continued from here)   8. Round Up Some Hot Girls for the Post Show Party.   Quite obviously, I’m a little busy performing a show, and if I go out in the audience after I play it looks tacky.   But, you, my friend, are already out there…and armed with some backstage passes!   So, it is pretty simple: Hot girls, only, and make sure they are over 21 years old because we don’t want another incident. Right?   You might have to walk them back to the bus to get through security, but fear not…those cables will be waiting for you to coil when you get back.   Post Script:  Would it kill you to introduce me to your cute sister so I can take her back to the bus, ply her with alcohol, and hopefully start to develop a long-term, long distance physical relationship?   Next up: #7 Dress Nice.  ...

(cpntinued from here)   7. Dress Nice.   You are a reflection of me, so come on…step it up.   Not that I’m unsympathetic to your job, crawling under, over and around the stage in 100 degree heat on a dirt field in a fairground.   I’ve always wanted to ask (but actually don’t really care) who came up with the soundman wardrobe anyway?  You know the one: the dirty shorts, the Nike shoes, the t-shirt with all the stains on it and the lanyard with the three dozen laminates on it.   Okay, I might wear jeans with holes in the knees, a t-shirt with the most obscure printing on it (least someone else can be seen with it), and a flannel shirt that I got from a thrift shop…but for you…I’m thinking a polo shirt and dockers.   Not cool?   Who said you ever looked cool to begin with…you’re a soundman, dude.   Next Up: #6 Don’t Do What I Ask You To Do; Do What I Want.  ...

(continued from here)   6. Don’t Do What I Ask You To Do; Do What I Want.   Well, of course, I want you to do what I want you to do…it’s just that I might ask for something that I don’t want and I want you to know that and then figure out what it is I really want and you do that instead.   For example:  In wanting to impress the band, the roadies, my guests, and anyone else who is hanging around during soundcheck, I might ask you to raise 12k a bit instead of just asking you to make my voice brighter.  You, knowing I don’t know crap about sound, bump up 4k without saying anything to embarrass me and smile.   That, my friend, is called Win/Win:  I get what I want and I look like a rock star.   Sure, we might laugh about it later, but I really don’t like it when you bring it up…so don’t bring it up.   There’s another part of this, too…   It’s that I want you to do stuff without me ever asking for it.  And, since I never really asked, I’ll assume no thanks are necessary.   Whew, I’m glad we got that settled.   Next up: #5 Watch the Attitude.  ...

(continued from here)   5. Watch the Attitude.   Oh, you know the one:  The…I’m a soundman, and I know sound, and I’m holier than thou…   Okay, Let’s do a list:   The eye roll. The pretending to turn knobs as if you’re doing what I want. Afterwards asking “how’s that?” to test me. The doing what I want and returning it to how you want. The snickering. Suddenly stopping conversation when I walk over. The hiding the pizza you ordered after the show.   You know what would be great?  You not reminding me how little I know about live audio.  Just lose the attitude and add the Dolby when I ask for it.   Next up: #4 Make Me Louder.  ...